Under no circumstance should Hollywood ever attempt to remake King Kong vs. Godzilla. Both franchises have been given a sleek reimaging with the help of computer technology and multi-million dollar budgets but have failed to beguile those who appreciate the charm of watching grown men in rubber suits stomping model sets while under the confines of a shoestring budget. King Kong vs. Godzilla possesses such a charm. It's not the best film of either franchise, nor is it the worst, but it is one of the most entertaining. It is also a precursor to the later Godzilla films that would feature the word "vs." in the title. Accordingly, those who have experienced such titles know what to expect here. For those who haven't, prepare for erroneous dubbing and laughable special effects, and don't forget to check your brain at the door.

You would think that a film that outlines its intentions in the title and contains two recognizable franchises would have no need for a plot, but the outline for King Kong vs. Godzilla is a doozy: Pacific Pharmaceuticals is in need of something to help boost the ratings of its sponsored television show and increase its own pricing power. Luckily its president, Mr. Tako, has just heard the tale of Faro Island, which is rumored to produce berries with a hallucinogenic effect, and its mythic inhibitors, one of whom is the mighty King Kong. Tako sends two men, Sakurai and Kinsaburo, to the island to retrieve the berries and the monstrous Kong, whom Tako feels would make a great mascot for the new drug. Elsewhere, there are large icebergs breaking up off the coast of Japan, and contained inside one of those icebergs is a giant lizard named Godzilla, who is none too pleased about being awoken. Military forces open fire on the beast before he even steps ashore, but, predictably, the missiles do no damage and the tanks are soon burnt to a fiery crisp. But if the military cannot stop Godzilla from destroying Tokyo, who can? I don't know, but Kong just woke up after having been transported to Japan, and he's none too pleased either.

If I sounded a tad sardonic in the plot description, it's because the plot of King Kong vs. Godzilla is a red herring. It provides characters in the film the time to speak and interact with each other and figure out how to lure Kong to Godzilla and eventually destroy them both, but it also acts as film fluff. Far too much time is spent with Sakurai and Kinsaburo on Faro Island. Even more time is spent watching the pathetic tin tanks and model airplanes attack the mighty Godzilla when the outcome is arbitrary and predictable. After all, the film is called King Kong vs. Godzilla. Considering how much time it wastes trying to set the battle up, it would have better suited it to be called King Kong and Godzilla Eventually Meet.

Leading up to the clash of these titans, however, there is at least one particularly entertaining moment. I'm speaking, of course, of the giant squid attack on Faro Island. It is the worst-looking effect in the movie and at the same time offers up that unappreciated charm that I spoke of earlier. Most viewers will scoff at such a scene. Others will find humor in the utter ridiculousness of the mechanics behind the effect: a regular-sized squid placed amidst small model huts intercut with reaction shots of the actors screaming and pointing to something off-camera. I can't imagine director Ishirô Honda took much of this movie very seriously and neither should its viewers. It's best appreciated as farce.
After all, what can we make of the climactic battle between Kong and Godzilla, a battle that resembles a match between wrestlers in cement shoes? A much lighter tone was taken to this film than with the previous Kong and Godzilla films, a fact that might upset both Kong and Godzilla enthusiasts that are looking for the brutal contest that Kong had with the T-Rex in the original film or the destructive battle Godzilla had with Anguirus in Godzilla Raids Again. But consider the fact that the fight starts with Kong being airlifted into the mountains using giant balloons and indestructible wire. Watching the two monsters heave Styrofoam boulders at one another is par for the course at that point.

The U.S. cut of the film (the cut used for this review) features some disappointing changes and additions. One such Americanization is the insertion of scenes depicting Eric Carter, a UN reporter that is constantly interrupting the film for "news updates" from a UN communication satellite that is capturing all the action. These scenes help to create a sense of urgency, but this urgency sends a conflicting message with the rest of the film, which is overall very lighthearted and silly. Carter speaks with deadpan seriousness about the dire threat of the two monsters and how they could destroy cities across the world. He brings in experts that determine the size of each creature's brain (for those wondering: Godzilla is a pea-brain while Kong certainly is not). Most of the information given in these scenes means nothing in regards to the film itself; does anyone care who is the smarter of the two beasts when brawn is the dominant feature of their fight and both sides have it in spades? In the Japanese version this space wasted by Carter and his reports was used to develop the characters and to comment on Japanese commercialism.¹ Satire would have been a much better compliment to the film's overall comedic tone in the American version as well.

For what it is, King Kong vs. Godzilla could be the start of an entertaining evening. It is a film that begs to be ridiculed and mocked but appreciated nonetheless. Legacies for both King Kong and Godzilla have been cemented in the centuries following the release of the film. While subsequent sequels and remakes moved away from trying to recreate the success of both original films (barring Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong), King Kong vs. Godzilla creates its own enjoyable niche of horrendous acting, terrible special effects, and, of course, those men in their rubber suits.