Editor's note: This review is part of Cinema Styles' "Spirit of Ed Wood Blogathon," in pseudo-celebration of the fiftieth anniversary of Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Chances are you didn't come to this page actually wondering whether Plan 9 from Outer Space is good or bad. You've either heard that it's impressively horrible -- many people claim Plan 9 definitively to be the worst movie ever made -- or witnessed this disaster firsthand, and now you're on a quest to find amusing reviews of it.

Aware of the high probability that every one of the film's many flaws has been placed under scrutiny by one critic or another and not feeling up to the task of trying to outdo every other Plan 9 review out there, I am going to try something different. For this review of Plan 9, I have simply compiled an objective list of some of the film's components, divided into two sections: "Production, Plot, and People" and (saving the best for last) "Lines." There will be no judgment here. We're going to see if a simple factual listing of some these elements can itself communicate the quality of the whole. My hypothesis is that it can indeed do so.

Production, Plot, and People

The film has a Master of Ceremonies.

Every time a UFO is shown, it wobbles uncontrollably.

The film uses stock footage of Bela Lugosi (filmed shortly before the script was written) to include him in the film despite his death before the real filming. Other scenes of the character use a stand-in covering his face with a cape very similar to the one Lugosi wore in his most famous role as Dracula. The role is not that of a vampire.

In one scene, Lugosi's character dies by getting hit by a car immediately after he steps off-screen. His shadow is clearly visible during the car-crashing-into-human sound effects, and said shadow stands still the entire time.

The plot hinges on the premise that mankind is one step away from creating "Solarinite," a substance that causes light particles to explode. If used, Solarinite would cause a chain reaction that reaches the sun itself and then every other ray of light emitted by the sun. Our sun's rays, it is claimed, reach every point in the entire universe, meaning that such a reaction will blow up the universe.

Professional wrestler Tor Johnson plays a detective.

One of the characters is played by a guy named Dudley Manlove.

The leader of the aliens (which are identical to humans) wears a shirt with a medieval axe emblem on it.

The other aliens wear shirts with electricity symbols.

At least twice, characters stand still while a menace approaches them. One time a man groans in pain before he is attacked.

At one point a Lieutenant begins gesturing casually with his handgun.

At one point Lugosi's character, having been turned into a zombie that wears a Dracula-esque cape, played by the stand-in actor, approaches a woman asleep in her room in order to attack her. When she screams, gets up, and runs past him out of the room, he stands still watching her.

An "electrode" gun becomes jammed.

An electrode gun becomes un-jammed by being dropped on the ground.

The first ten shots of Col. Tom Edwards are each of him doing one of three different acts: raising binoculars to his face, lowering binoculars from his face, and signaling with binoculars in his hand.

The dirt over a coffin caves in before a zombie rises from it.

One zombie kills a police officer by hitting his shoulders.

LINES

"Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends: future events such as these will affect you in the future."

"The grief of his wife's death became greater and greater agony. [...] The sky to which he had once looked was now only a covering for her dead body. The ever-beautiful flowers she had planted -- with her own hands -- became nothing more than the lost roses of her cheeks."

"[I] Don't like hearin' noises -- especially when there ain't supposed to be any."

One character describes the flying saucer he saw as "shaped like a giant cigar."

"atmospheric conditions in outer space"

"[The aliens] attacked a town, a small town, I'll admit, but nevertheless a town of people -- people who died."

" 'Visits'? That would indicate visitors."

Character: "I wonder what their next move will be." Exactly fifteen seconds later: Narrator: "What will their next move be?"

"The ship's on fire!" twenty-four seconds before a flame appears

"You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!"

Master of Ceremonies referring to the events depicted in the film: "Can you prove that it didn't happen? Perhaps on your way home, someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space."

The Master of Ceremonies refers to vitamins as a science we once laughed at. A moment later he says, "and now some of us laugh at outer space. God help us ... in the future."

Closing Remarks

Considering the fact that this list, with no words of critical evaluation in its body paragraphs, has almost the same number of words as the average review on this site, I would call this experiment a success. I have seen many bad movies, and very few of them could fill up so much space with a mere listing (an incomplete listing at that) of their flaws.

Worst movie ever? I don't know. There is some really bad stuff out there. Blood Freak (not to be confused with Blood Feast) is the first to come to mind. Either way, there appears to be no denying that this is an awful, awful movie, and it pretty much claims the title of being the Citizen Kane of so-bad-it's-good, if only for its reputation. What stupid film! Stupid! Stupid!